My life.

Christmas Letter 2010

The last few months have been a blizzard of busyness. I am extremely anxious for some Christmas vacation to check off my growing to-do list. But, like many, the holidays always inspire me to do a lot of personal reflection about the many blessings that life brings. 2010 has been a year of God being in control and more importantly God showing Himself and the workings of His plan for me. I haven’t always had the strength to give my life over to Him, but this year He understood that He needed to take over and do it Himself.

On my flight home from Denmark 2 years ago, I sat next to the director of our Regional Education Association; and a month after I’d been home he gave me a part time job. Since then I’ve graduated from NDSU and am now working full time at that REA, the South East Education Cooperative (SEEC). I am the Communications Coordinator and Youth Development Coordinator. I actually really love working here – but it is definitely a drastic change from college.

I also now live alone in a super cute apartment. I miss Emily but I’m excited to be on my own. I am growing and learning so much about myself. Total independence is liberating! It can get lonely sometimes and I very much miss coming home to one of my best friends every day. But this chapter of my life may be my only opportunity to experience living by myself.

The biggest change is that one significant relationship ended and another began. The breakup hurt: losing a good friend isn’t easy. But spring reintroduced me to someone who I had tucked into the back of my mind for years.., and now Brent is in my life, and I’m thankful for his heart of gold all the time. He is the person God needed me to find and I wasn’t listening when I met him. Now I know exactly why I needed to cry all those tears. God blessed me so deeply by bringing Brent and I together in March – I didn’t have to wait very long to see that the path God brought me on was the right one.

This last week has also brought upon many more changes in my life (and blessings!). The first being that I am a mommy! Kind of ;) I bought a toy poodle, and I call him Rupert. He is a little bear and I love him so much already. He has been a wonderful pup (no crying at night, and he quietly lays in his kennel when I leave.) I might be obsessed. No, I am. I was also diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which just means I can no longer consume any gluten (wheat, barley, rye, soy sauce)… which happens to be in everything. It will be a challenge to adjust to a new diet – but for those of you that know me well understand that I have been looking for answers to my dysfunctional digestive system for years. So I am grateful.

2010 – The year my life changed in every way. But when I think back on this year someday in the future, I have a feeling I’ll remember it as the year my life started making sense.

I got this.

I haven’t had the time to blog in forever.  This may end up being a really dorky post too.  I’m in a funny mood.
I’m home alone right now watching The Last Song.  And I’m not gonna lie.  I can’t stop smiling.  And I’m crushin hard on Will, aka Liam. 

So.  Until recently I thought being a grown up meant a lot of things.  And when I envisioned being an “adult” it wasn’t what I’m doing now.  But recently I feel really grown up in an awesome way.  I come home to my super cute apartment; I shower, eat supper, watch tv or read, and go to bed.  And tonight.  I was in pajamas by 6:00 with a chick flick in.  AWESOME.

This kind of adult life is tough at times.  It can get lonely.  (I miss Emily a lot.)  But this week, I felt proud.  Like, really really proud.  Work wasn’t bad, just loaded with responsibilities and tasks and things to get done.  I was so exhausted at the end of every day, and most days were pretty long.  Not that I don’t have people to help me through loaded weeks, but I am getting through a lot on my own.  I’m smiling even as I write this because I am really proud of myself.  I don’t know what I’m doing in this chapter of life, but that’s ok.  I’m figuring it out and that is hard but I’m getting the hang of it.        

I’m a grown up!!  I’m on my own.  I support myself in every way.  And actually, I’m not so bad at it.  It’s the end of the week and although stress this week may have turned into tears a few times, tonight I’m just smiling.      

I got this.  Sometimes being 23, starting a new job, dating, simply adjusting to a life that is completely different from what I’ve known for the last 5 years isn’t easy…  I wonder how to smoothly transition into this stage in life on my own (and I admit many times I’m far from stable when it comes to this thing that I like to call growing up).  But I got it.  I’m doing it already and even though I have all kinds of support and encouragement, it’s me that’s doing it.  Which feels pretty cool.

I’m blessed.  This week a lot of people that I love very much randomly popped into my life this week via fb, texts, calls…. In perfect ways, that God clearly planned out.  And I’m warm.  I am snuggled in on my couch in my home.  I have food.  Tasty food in fact!  I have clothes (and cute boots!), and awesome friends (thanks for the chat Em & lunch b!), a super guy.  I even got to buy a throw blanket today (it looks good in my guest room – which is looking pretty sweet after mom and I pillow shopped.)  I have so much to be thankful for today. 

I think I will continue my night of awesomeness.  My toe nails needs painting, there is popcorn that needs eating, more chick flicks that need watching, and a journal that needs some writing!

It’s November, so I want to focus on all that I am thankful for.  So here are a few things this week:

• ·      Voting (and what happened in the election)
• ·      My mom helping me find really cute pillows for my guest room
• ·      Coffee/caffeine! 
• ·      The friends I made in Denmark (who I miss deeply every single day)
• ·      The tests that God gives me to make me stronger
• ·      Friends that remind me to drink water J
• ·      The northern lights that I think I saw on Thursday
• ·      Time to enjoy myself tonight

i AM wired like this.

This week has been rocky for me.  I have more responsibility at work than I think I’m capable of most of the time.  I miss Emily.  And I’m trying to figure out how to be an adult on my own.  Its tough.  One night it all weighed down on me and I was crying awfully hard, begging for God to come comfort me.  I opened up my daily devotional book that always seems to be so on the money that I’m actually a little creeped out…

That day’s title: “God hears your cry.  Verse: Psalm 120:1, ‘I call on the Lord in my distress and He answers me.’”  He did literally answer me.  It was beautiful.  And ridiculous.  I laughed.  

The following day I spent my lunch break reading the book Captivating.  And after spending 5 hours in the office today, I did the same thing.

I love being a woman.  I love makeup, and dressing up.  I love cooking and doing my hair.  I love shoes and jewelry and feeling beautiful.  But this ache inside about not living up — that I do not love.  That ache that I think most women are plagued with… about not being the right person.  Too sensitive or too controlling.  Too irrational, or too cold.  We are all trying to live up to something and its exhausting. The chapter I read today was called “Do I have what it takes”, about how women respond to that question depending on what is happening in their life… and women either become more controlling, or become more dependent.  Just this week I recall myself doing BOTH of those things.  In desperation to cheer myself up, I hung sticky notes all over my apartment saying crap like “Be strong”, “Love”, “You are smart”. (I can’t believe I’m disclosing this, but I actually do stuff like this.)  But whenever I was in those moment of darkness when I felt the weight of the world, I couldn’t keep my hands off my phone.  I was calling or texting or facebook messaging everyone for strength and advice and whatever else.  Instead of seeking God.  Instead of just giving up control and saying “Ok God you do this” I reacted by trying to just off my emotions, or to let them fly off the handle in desperate reaching out to friends. 

This post is kind of intense for me.  But I feel really moved by the things I’ve been learning this week.  I see in myself how its ok for me to be me.  I’m dramatic and emotional, I desire so much relational connection that it can cause problems for me.  Its a constant process teaching myself that its ok to be that way.  That God made ME after his heart.  Thats how I was modeled.  Thats how women were designed… to be the heart beat of God.  And here I am, on a daily basis trying to STOP being like that.  Because its risky.  It hurts.  Its challenging.

But I know that I am made like this.  I’m made to be dramatic, and maybe a little over the top.  :) I’m kind of a freak, and for the most part I really love that about myself.  But for the days when that is the one thing I desperately want to change about myself… well, I’m so thankful for the words of people smarter than me.  Like the authors of the book Captivating.   

beautiful weekend

Friday:  Brent surprised me with a trip to the Hjemkomst Museum.  It was actually completely amazing.  It made me miss Europe, but I loved seeing my heritage… and it made me grateful to be an American.  I love that we care about our ancestors, and our blood lines, and the traditions that became who we are.  At the end of the exhibits was a chest, with a note that posed the question: ‘If you had to fit your life in a chest, what would you bring?’  I sat at the desk made for little kids and compiled a my list.

• My books of inspiration (filled with quotes, letters from friends and uplifting things)
• My blue sophomore year prom dress… it is timeless, a true princess dress
• photographs of the people I love most, and my favorite memories
• My “angel”, cross stitched by my grandmother
• My mother’s favorite tea pot
• My dad’s red plaid hunting shirt
• My black glasses
• The books “Do It Anyway”, “Blue Like Jazz”, and my bible
• My first dove necklace
• Legolas
• My most recent journal

Saturday Brent & I headed to the cities (beautiful colorful trees all along the drive!) and we went to the Science Museum, and saw the Dead Sea Scrolls.  It was incredible.  It was breathtaking.  And BEAUTIFUL.  I saw the book of Genesis, in person.  I saw my Father’s words on scrolls that were thousands of years old.  My heart pounded as I walked through that dark room - I still can’t really believe it, because I got to see proof of my faith.  I got to see real Psalms written by someone’s hand, directed by God.  I SAW that, with my eyes.  How remarkable.  How weird too.  I was stunned.  

Sunday was mall day and the wrap up to an incredible weekend.  A significant weekend in my heart - it was 6 months ago that a certain someone came back into my life and everything in my world changed for the better.  I’m happier than I’d been in years.  And I’m so extremely grateful for the little things that eventually brought me and the unnamed person together.  

I’m a nerd but I was staring at the stars a lot during the car ride back… and I couldn’t count how many were up there… obviously. During this weekend several things reminded me about how profound and brilliant the Lord is.  I have so many unseen blessings in my life, and the path that I am on is so wildly intricate.  It amazes me what God has created in my life… this road is winding and exhausting, but so thought out - its silly, but I’m kind of shocked and cracked up when I see how each little stop along the way has brought me to right now.  

bedtime.

It has been a long week.  On all levels.  The last couple days made me realize that I have a career.  Not a job.  A career.  And what a blessing that is!  And a stress. I have already worked near 40 hours and I am exhausted.  My apartment is a disaster.  (A disaster that I am so excited to clean tomorrow - I haven’t had the time and its actually something I find comfort and joy in.)  But for some reason I really want to blog tonight.

Not to mention that last Saturday I went to Eat Pray Love (alone, and it was perfect).  But it reminded me that I’m in desperate need for adventure.  And exploring.  I need to see something new.  I need to experience something.  I have become a 8-5er.  I am starting to eat at work more often which just makes me feel even more lame and boring.  I haven’t had enough time to just sit and relax.  And I haven’t had 5 minutes to myself.  Its been so bizarre.  Most of my energy goes into my job.  Most of my brain power goes to work.  I thought when I graduated, when I stopped having to worry about text books, I would be able to read for pleasure again.  But I’ve got 2 books I need to finish and an entire book shelf that I can barely look at because I’m so disappointed that I don’t have the time to read them.  What is this life??  

I have so much to be thankful for though.  I’m baffled at this new adult life every single day, but I’m just as baffled by my abundant amount of blessings.  I have a lovely apartment to make a mess of.  I got to skype my roommate this week.  I ate amazing Asian food in honor of my best’s birthday.  And this weekend I will get a little taste of adventure.  I get to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls at the Science Museum in the cities!  My heart is so excited… I adore museums, and I’m in serious need for something to awe at.

But as I wrote that sentence, I’m annoyed at myself.  I have so much to awe at even in this moment.  The rain outside.  The comfort of my bed.  The glass of milk next to me… all of my teeny blessings that I forget are blessings.

don’t judge. but TV season has arrived!!!!!!

Tonight it begins.  Since my amount of friends to hang out with has dwindled down to something like 2 people, including Brent, I am going to be finding even more comfort in my relationship with my television. 

Gossip Girl starts tonight, and I have missed Blair and Serena, and most definitely Nate.  We have a LOT to catch up on.  Blair and Chuck are on the outs (which breaks my heart), Serena is her out-of-control self, and apparently Dan is going to be a daddy… I am excited to have my Upper East Siders back. 

To make life even BETTER, next week the rest of my shows start back up.  I like to think of Modern Family as my relatives… so Clair is like my aunt and Phil is my weird but entertaining uncle.  Then I have to start dealing with the viewing battle that happens at 8 pm on Thursdays.  Who in the world decided to put The Office AND Grey’s Anatomy on at the same time?!  So frustrating.  Maybe now that I’m a grown up I’ll get Tivo.  But until then I will have to live with taping one on my saweet VHS tapes. 

I feel like all my friends are getting back from vacation or something.  As pathetic as this is, I am pretty sure I will be far less lonely from now on. 

PLuuuuuus.  There is a new Lifetime movie airing tonight after Gossip Girl. :)  Life is so good. 

Oops

My poor habits regarding water intake caught up to me today.  I barely slept at all last night, I was aching and throbbing all over my body and I was getting fairly loopy.  (I kept wishing I was Amish.  Because then our community doctor would just come over and help me right away.  Now that I’m less delirious I don’t think it was that silly of a wish.  And I also thought that perpetrators were in my apartment, and I was worried because I was feeling too weak to fight them off.  Those thoughts were a little weird, even for me.)

Brent took me in to the walk-in clinic a little after 9 today, and 3 IVs and almost 6 hours later, they let me go.  For you medical people out there, my blood pressure was 60/30.  Which I was told is pretty serious.  Who knew.  My nice doctor thinks I have a UTI and a kidney infection or something.  (Side note: I love medical people.  Especially nurses, they just make you feel so cared for.)  No real diagnosis until blood tests come back, but it is apparently rooted in the fact that I let myself get so dehydrated.  Why don’t I like water!?!?!? I’m an idiot.  I am going to make a stronger effort to drink water every single day.  Anyway, I haven’t been this sick in forever, so I’m camping out at my parents house tonight, eating crackers, drinking Crystal Light, hanging with Webber, and watching Golden Girls. 

Speaking of Golden Girls.  I am for sure retiring in Miami someday.   

Emily Gawne is gone.

My wall of denial has been coming down a lot lately.  Against my will. I would like to stay in my little bubble and pretend like Emily is never leaving me.  But she is.  In a little over a week (I’m starting this post on Tuesday August 24… I know that all the emotions and things I want to say about living with her will come to me randomly over the next few days.)

Three years ago we moved in together.  When we were moving out of Thompson Hall I didn’t have anyone to live with, and Emily and I had become fairly good friends in the dorms… but I had NO idea what God had in store for me.  Some of Em’s original plans changed and she was able to live with me.  Thank you God for that!!  Anyway, we moved into our first and only ‘college’ apartment together - from day 1 we suddenly became inseparable.  We literally did EVERYTHING together for months.  If you’ve ever lived with someone for this long you know that it is a bond that is not comparable.  She was my family.  She hugged me on my bad days, she slept with me when I needed her, she loved me at my worst (and I’m pretty sure that Emily is the only person who has really experienced me being an unkind person for a long period of time), and she was always there.  I can’t even tell you how many times I walked into the apartment and there she was sitting at the end of the table, with her computer, books, and notes EVERYWHERE, studying.  And on many occasions I would leave in the morning and return to her in the same spot and same clothes as 8 hours before.  That girl can study.   

I have so many amazing memories with her… making puppy chow; forcing her to put her swimsuit on when we’re tanning in the yard (miss modest would wear shorts and a tank top all the time, and I’d be the creep in a bikini); conversations about God and faith, and being prayed for in the Paris Underground- actually all the memories of Europe in general were pretty marvelous… anyway I’ll stop, I could go on forever. 

Actually, you should have her tell you a story sometime.  I’m serious, she is the best story-teller ever.  I always laugh.  And if you get her and Sar going on their childhood you will be in for a REAL treat.  They have impeccable memories.     

*

So this weekend we moved out of Bison Arms.  It was too fast to really process what this means for our lives.  On Sunday night, after we scrubbed, vacuumed, stressed and filled up yet another vehicle for good-will, we stood in our kitchen and hugged each other for a good long while.  It was WEIRD to see our apartment totally bare.  That was college to us… We both have so many memories there… that apartment felt like the ‘home-base’ for our family of friends.  As Emily put it, that place was like Rachel and Monica’s in the show Friends.  It broke my heart in so many ways - yet we both have had too much going on to really soak it in.  (Funny side note… as we were walking out we noticed a huge picture frame filled with pictures of us and our friends and tie-dye signs of our names on the door.  I guess it was so natural to see those that we didn’t remember they weren’t actually supposed to be there.)

My favorite part about moving was on Saturday when she was taking everything out of our entry way closet, and she found a note I had hid for her when I left for Denmark (I’m kind of corny, but I hid notes all over the apartment when I left so she would have little surprises once in a while.  I can’t wait to have kids with lunch boxes.)  It was kind of perfect.

*

This last week together was full of denial.  Mom and Em hung up all the pictures at my apartment while I was working.  When I got home the 3 of us ate supper together… that was just a hint of how Emily has been part of our family for years.  Last month my mom cried at the THOUGHT of Em moving away (and I’ve only witnessed my mother cry on 5 occasions.  Seriously.)  I can’t even tell you the plotting that my mom and aunt did to figure out how to get Emily as a part of our family.  It was embarrassing.  Anyway, when I watched them say their goodbyes it put a lump in my throat… one that I am swallowing again right now. 

Last night we had a bunch of friends over for dinner - it was great.  We didn’t treat it like a ‘going-away’ anything, we just wanted everything to feel normal.  Em and I slept in my bed, watched a little Golden Girls and reminisced about the people we’ve become since we moved in together.  We are both so very different - and I believe so much better.  She has helped me become someone kinder, gentler, more thoughtful, and back in my school days - more studious.   

Today, Em and I got up and made omelettes together, talked while we got ready, and did our normal routine.  We hugged when we put her stuff in the car, and said our “I Love Yous” and agreed that we will only say “See you later.”  And I still am choosing to think that I will just see her later today.  Or next week.  But I refuse to look at this realistically… as in I won’t be seeing her for months. 

Last night she said that she wasn’t afraid of losing my friendship because of being across the country… It never even occurred to me.  She’s a part of me.  But the things is, everything is different now.  And this just feels like its the next step.  It hurts in a way that makes me wish that I could keep my college life- that lifestyle that is familiar, but its peaceful because this is how life works.  She’s engaged and going to be married next summer, I’m living alone and working full time.  It is just growing up.  I’m ok with it, until its 3:00 am and I want nothing more than to crawl into her bed with her or get advice on something thats keeping my awake.  BUT, I have every intention of calling her nonstop at 3:00 am if I really feel the need. 

Because forever and always she will be my one and only “college roommate”.

Am I an adult?

The reasons I think I am an actual adult:

·         I live alone as of now.  Technically. (Emily is staying with me until Thursday)

·         I have a coffee machine.

·         I work 8-5, Monday through Friday.  (Except sometimes my amazing job allows me to be flexible.)

·         I drink Diet Coke on a regular basis.

·         I subscribed to Netflix.

·         I made a flower arrangement for my living room today.  It looks awesome.

·         I have a “guest room”

·         I didn’t go to work until 1:30 today, and I had 17 new e-mails.  Not one of them could be deleted or “junked”. (plus I checked my e-mail yesterday at like 4 pm)

·         I desperately want to start a mahjong club, and a dinner club.

·         I co-lead interviews last week.  And got to hire people.  (The enthusiasm I heard from the girl I called today was THE BEST.)

The little reminders that I’m still the young age of 23:

·         My awesome mom is currently at my apartment painting for me.  I am a mooch.  And tonight she is helping me hang things, which I’m bad at. 

·         I don’t know how to work that coffee machine that my mom gave me.

·         I can’t remember how to check my voicemails on my work phone… and I’m embarrassed because I already asked how twice last week.

·         I still play my GameBoy & my teddy bear, Chukkles is in my closet.

·         I still do my laundry at my parents’ house.

·         I don’t really understand what a flex plan is.   

joy/emotion overload.

So.  I have been ultra busy these last few weeks.  Last week I spent a lot of my time in tears because I was just stressed to the max.  (Growing up is really, really hard!!)  But this weekend and today at work I am that incredibly awkward girl who is trying to not smile like a fool all day long. 

But I am just HAPPY!  And its really fun.  Part of my busy life has been the absolutely wonderful blessing of getting to spend time with some of the best people on this green earth.  Jessica Mae was in town for a few days and along with her came some other familiar faces that I had missed deeply.  We ate too much, drank too much, and talked about everything imaginable and laughed about even more.  She gets me and so after conversations with her about life, I feel clearer about things going on in my heart.  She is amazing that way.  Plus she is really cool and marrying an awesome man who was on Fear Factor one time. 

Then I had my beautiful prego friend Megs – who kindly shared the joys of carrying a baby in her belly.  Which I have decided is about the weirdest thing God ever thought of.  It KICKS, INSIDE HER BODY.  That is freaky.  And cool.  And I can’t wait to be a once-removed (or whatever) auntie by association.  Or something.  Whatever my title is, I’m going to spoil that little alien-like miracle.

And this weekend’s visitor just brought an abundance of joy to my life… like too much maybe.  I could explode.  Brent’s mom has been in town, which means lots of family time… which, for those who know me, know this is stuff I LIVE FOR.  RedHawks game, grill-out, parental meeting (yes, my parents met Brent’s mom Tina – which was actually so incredibly fun and I think our moms talked about how much they liked lamps.  It was a success no doubt.

… Which leads me into today’s rant: HOW AMAZING IS FAMILY!?!?  I could blow up I feel so thankful for my family and this new, amazing family in my life that has kindly, and warmly embraced me.  I love family time.  There is nothing like sitting around the table at the lake and playing cards, or skiing with my relatives, or playing in the water, or staying up late and giggling over nothing funny.  I love the old traditions (umm, family members, can we bring back Christmas skits soon??  And why did the women’s shopping trip cease as soon as Chelsea and I were old enough to go??)  Anyway, lately I have been thinking a lot about how there are new traditions on my mom’s side that I find kind of awesome… such as the fantasy football league (which I would like all to know, Chels and I did attempt a team… however, we never kept it up so we recruited Aaron… who took 2^nd last year…. YAaaa Team ChelJam!!… and Brent, I’m not sure I can cheer for you, unless you put my name in your team name.  Which actually would be gross, so I’m prob gonna keep my pompoms flying for the team that has my name in it.)  Plus, family is like automatic friends.  They HAVE TO love you.  And the fact that they don’t have to like you helps them to be honest when we need the truth.  Which can be rough to hear, but how lucky that I have people who are willing to tell me things I need to hear… such as “Jamie, You need to floss when you get home.”  Did I like hearing that? No, but I did, on some level at least, appreciate it.

ps: So since I’ve been on cloud 9 regarding most things, I’ve been able to ignore the looming change ahead of me… that Emily is leaving me. Last night I burst into tears over nothing at all because it suddenly hit me that she will no longer be 5 inches away at all times.  I can’t crawl into her bed if I need to talk, and she won’t be there to hug me when I get home from a long day, she won’t be sitting at her spot on the table studying anymore….  I walked into our apartment with puffy, wet eyes and we hugged and started sobbing loudly and dramatically in each others’ arms.  Its was beautifully ridiculous. 

Wow.  I guess I’ve been busy?  And emotional.  :) big surprise on  both accounts.